I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
