i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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