Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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