YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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