It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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