I've blown a few things in my day
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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