You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
