We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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