I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
