Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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