You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
