I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
