i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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