nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
