is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
