Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
