Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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