I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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