I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize