Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
