I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
