i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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