I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
