Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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