I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
