I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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