i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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