I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
