i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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