Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize