well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize