she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
