Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
