home. puking in laundry basket.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
