he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Welp...herpes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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