Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
