His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
