Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
