from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
