that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
