He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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