We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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