I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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