I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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