Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
