u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize