Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
