I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
