he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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