i think my tv is drunk
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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