Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
