before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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