he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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