Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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