I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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